Are Minivans Manly?

• Better Man in brief ...
• Minivans, despite their lack of "cool," are some of the more useful vehicles out there.
• If no other option is available, you can always sleep in your van.
• With all that room, getting frisky in the back isn't a backbreaking proposition.

"In a way, it served the growing family of man, woman and 2.5 kids named Moonbeam, Starchild and Herbert. It never really recovered the stigma of those days."

In the movie Get Shorty, John Travolta is unable to rent a Cadillac and is given a minivan. He tells confused onlookers that it’s the “Cadillac of minivans,” and soon all of Hollywood is driving minivans. Utilitarian needs aside, purchasing a vehicle is often more of a status symbol than a consideration of anything else.

The reputation of being a “soccer mom” mode of transportation still exists, but with the economy, more than society, changing the roles of husbands and wives in relation to ferrying the kids tosoccer, karate, ballet, and other lessons, soon to be forgotten as months go by, the minivan is the best choice for any lifestyle.

Although a recent article in The New York Times dubs Chrysler as the inventor of the minivan in 1983, the first minivan was actually the Volkswagen Type 2 Minibus, introduced in the 1950s both as a panel truck and as a removable-bench seat family wagon. Named as if it was a new model Messerschmitt, it was quickly associated with the peace and love generation who used the cheap mode of transportation for their cross-country, commune-visiting, Woodstock-camping, reefer-madness needs. In a way, it served the growing family of man, woman and 2.5 kids named Moonbeam, Starchild and Herbert. It never really recovered the stigma of those days.

This year’s North American International Auto Show has manufacturers pinning their hopes on the improving popularity of minivans with slightly smaller sizes, increased functionality and power, and, of course, sleeker styling. Recent advertising has introduced such terms as “swagger wagon,” “man van” and “shtuppmobile.” I am claiming that last one as mine for reasons that will soon become evident.

As with any vehicle, sales and choices will be driven by the look, gas mileage, some extras, safety of the family, blah, blah, blah. But it is what resides in the mind of the consumer that will determine the final choice.

I am the proud owner of a 2000 Toyota Sienna minivan. Black with silver trim, my kids call it “Darth Vader.” I fully admit to the damn thing having turned to the dark side many years ago -- 230,000-plus miles later, Darth still stays on snow-covered roads while SUVs and pickups careen into ditches. Darth has other options one can’t have in any other type of vehicle.

Room To Breathe

When you drive in a minivan, it’s like sitting in an open field: There’s space all around you. There’s legroom, headroom and a rear big enough to seat five or six adults, which you just don’t find elsewhere, even in the biggest SUV. On long trips, it helps keep you sane.

Shortly after purchasing the Sienna, I was divorced and my ex kept our Camry, choosing style over the safety of our children... but I digress.

I kept the minivan, which seemed to be the only smart thing my lawyer did for me during the legal farce that was my divorce. Having to travel 500 miles every weekend to see my kids, I soon learned of the many benefits of having that wonderful mode of transportation. The space was comfortable and allowed me to camp out overnight on the edge of town so I could be bright and chipper for the 8 a.m. pickup of the kids Saturday mornings, so their mother could have an early break from a long week of neglectful mothering… but I digress.

Minivans are more than just kid haulers. Read on to find out how to get the most out of one...

And, with darkened windows, it is more private and romantic than the restaurant bathroom."The sheer size of the vehicle allows one of six-foot height to either sleep across the front or back seats with only slightly bent legs. Or, the fold-down seats accommodate a full-size mattress for hotel-like comfort when a hotel is unavailable for whatever reason. In fact, if one sleeps in the parking lot of a hotel, the amenities of a pool, Wi-Fi and bathroom come free (if you park by the back door and wait for someone exiting so you can sashay right in and blend in with paying guests). Most hotels even offer a free breakfast, which can be added to the value of the minivan via “creative financing.”

On long road trips with my kids, many times we settled down, one seat to each of us, for a night’s rest when a hotel was not available. These days, with a plague of bedbugs across the nation, the minivan is cheaper, safer and cleaner than any Motel 666.

A Mobile Love Nest

Have you tried making out in bucket seats, also known as “captain’s chairs”? How about the backseat with the drive shaft hump in the middle? A minivan, depending on the model, has wide bench seats, which are perfect for some first-date affection or just an after-the-office-party game of “squeeze and tickle.” Even for adults, sometimes a quickie in the car is a need that a minivan fulfills. And, with darkened windows, it is more private and romantic than the restaurant bathroom.

Be the designated driver for a bunch of drunken coworkers and the carefully planned last-to-be-dropped-off can supply you with a handy promotion or just be “handy.” I’ve had a lot of boobs in my minivan and I’m not referring to the lack of intelligence of passengers.

Get Up And Go

With the seats folded down (or stashed away, as with many models) and a roof rack, I have been able to move my entire apartment contents in two or three loads, as opposed to renting a trailer or truck. Just don’t let friends and family know or you’ll be moving them, too.

With seats back to the upright position, you once again travel in style. With the addition of the shrunken head hanging from my rearview mirror and assorted stickers from tattoo parlors on my bumper, I think I have the ultimate “Man Van.” I remind you it’s yourattitude as you sit behind the wheel that makes the vehicle. No one has made sport of my having a minivan… although some women have refused rides.

So test-drive a minivan and ask the saleswoman, as part of closing the deal, for her “hand” on it. After all -- you will hold her pen to sign the contract... but I digress.

Posted in: Car Tips